A Letter to Friends and Family

Dear Friends and Family,

We know you love us and want us to be happy.  We hope that this will help you understand the pain we are feeling.

A couple is considered infertile after trying for one year.  We are now past the 2.5 year marker.  Every month we wonder whether this is will finally be our month.  If it isn't we wonder if we can munster up the energy to try again.  Infertility is like an open wound that just when it starts to scab over, the scab gets ripped off again.

The truth is, there is practically nothing concrete you can do to help us except, be supportive and understanding or if you would like to help financially, we will accept any donations.  It is hard to ask for help (money) but when you are put in this situation you sometimes have to throw your ego and personal beliefs out the window and accept whatever people are willing to give.  IVF is going to cost us approximately $15k and we have no idea what our outcome will be.  It's literally like walking up to a craps table and throwing down $15k and praying we get the right number.  It scares us to death to not know the outcome. 

With IVF we will endure repeated doctor visits, take daily injections (up to 3-4 shots per day), shuffle work and social schedules to accommodate various procedures, and lay out considerable sums of money we don't have.  All of this is preceded by a battery of diagnostic tests that can be embarrassing and extremely painful.
Then there is the infamous wait to find out if it worked.

While trying to cope with this emotional turmoil, we get invited to baby showers, and we learn that friend after friend and family member is pregnant.  We are approached by beaming new parents who want us to hold and appreciate their baby.  As happy as we truly are for them, inside we are forced to swallow the rock in our throats, ignore the pit in our stomachs, and fight off the tears until we are alone and can let it out without being embarrassed by our emotions.  Trying to imagine our envy, our rage over the inequalities in life must be difficult.  Infertility fills practically every facet of our existence.

Just as an ordinary room can be an obstacle to a blind person, so can the everyday world be full of hazards for infertile couples--hazards which do not exist for men and women with children.  The mall, restaurants, pretty much any public place where kids might be has become a place of avoidance.  Going to a baby shower is painful but so is distracting ourselves from social occasions celebrated by our friends and family.  Christmas is an example of the many holidays that are particularly painful/difficult for us.  They are not only a reminder of what we don't have but also mark a passage of time.  We remember what came to mind last Christmas- that the next year we would have a new son or daughter to share with our family.  Each holiday presents its own unique burden.  Valentines Day reminds us of our romance, love, marriage, commitment- and the family we may never be able to create.  Halloween is a reminder of the costume we may never buy.  Mother's Day and Father's Day ....their difficulties are obvious.

Everyday activities like a walk down the street or going to the shopping mall are packed with land mines.  Seeing women pushing strollers or a father outside playing with his son strikes a raw nerve.  While watching TV, we are bombarded by commercials for diapers, baby food, and pregnancy tests.  We are constantly being asked how long we've been married and whether we have any kids?  We feel like running out of the room but we can't.  If we talk about being infertile we are likely to get the words that sound like nails on a chalkboard, "just relax, don't worry- it will happen soon", or "you're lucky, I've had it with my kids.  I wish I had your freedom."  These are the kinds of comments that make us want to crawl under the nearest rock and die.

Because we are infertile, life is extremely stressful.  We are doing our best to cope.  Please be understanding.  Sometimes we will be depressed.  Sometimes we will be angry.  Sometimes we will be physically and emotionally exhausted and sometimes we will be incapable of being around babies/kids.  We are not the same D & A we used to be.  We don't want to do many things we used to do.  The only way we can begin to describe our pain is to have others look at their joy.  Think of the joy that you have felt when you found out you were pregnant, when you heard the heart beat for the first time, when you felt your baby kick, when you experienced the miracle of birth, or saw your child take their first steps....take all of that happiness and turn it around so it's the exact same intensity but instead in pain.

We have no idea when or if our problem will be solved.  We are going to test Adam one more time at his 6 month surgery anniversary to confirm our decision to proceed with our one and only chance at IVF.  We have no idea of the probability of success. 

Hopefully our IVF will be successful.  Or maybe someday we will give up on having children and just learn how to live childless.  At present we have no idea what our future holds.  After reading this letter we hope you have a better understanding of how hard this is for us.  The most important thing to remember is please listen to what we have to say and don't judge us.  Do not belittle our feelings.  Please don't try to pretend that everything will be okay, because we don't know if it will or not.  Infertile couples feel cut off from other people, but your ability to listen and support us will help us to handle the stress we're experiencing.  We love you and appreciate all you do for us.

Love,

Debra and Adam